A Hardy Holiday
by Surreal Epiphany847
Summary: A little holiday humor. One-shot. Meant to be fun so I hope you enjoy. :


A Hardy Holiday

Frank parked the black van in the mall's parking lot and checked his pocket. A list with several items on it was tucked safely back into his jacket pocket. He left the van and followed Joe into the mall's entrance and clicked the lock button on his remote key as he walked away.

"So what are you planning on getting Mom?" asked Joe as he pushed the mall door open and let Frank in first. They headed into the crowded chaos of fellow Christmas shoppers.

"I'm not telling," smirked Frank as they walked past a few stores and elbowed passersby.

"You don't know either then?" asked Joe who stopped in front of a candle store and appeared to be thinking about how many people he could check off his list by going in.

"No Joe. I have the perfect gift idea for Mom, Callie, Dad, and Aunt Gertrude. If I tell you then you'll just copy me or try to take the credit. You're on your own bro."

"Thanks Frank. You're such a help," glared Joe. Picking out presents was always hard for him. It was hard to buy for women and his dad was even worse because he already had everything. And then there was Frank. Frank was probably the worst because Joe could never find the perfect gift for him.

Frank started walking away from Joe and the candle store. Joe shrugged and decided to follow in case he could get Frank to help him without him knowing it.

They continued to walk through the sea of people wearing all the colors of the season. Frank paused at a jewelry store and Joe rolled his eyes.

"Jewelry is your big secret?" asked Joe who was temporarily distracted by a young girl screaming and crying on Santa's lap a few yards away.

"I think it's time I got Callie something really special. We've been dating forever."

Joe laughed. _Yeah_, _forever_ thought Joe. "Well you go ahead and shop for your girlfriend and I'm going to walk around a little. Maybe I will get inspired seeing as you are no help!"

"You'll think of something Joe. And adding your name to my gifts is not what I mean."

"Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll go ask my good buddy Chet. He's working at the mall for the holidays, right? I forget where he said he was working though."

"I think he said a clothing store. He was a little vague on that probably because he didn't want people coming by and harassing him," replied Frank who checked his watch. "Let's meet back around here in a few hours so we can head out together."

"Sure. See you."

Frank nodded and went into the jewelry store to browse for a gift for Callie. Meanwhile, Joe started walking closer to Santa's Workshop. He stopped and listened.

"Now Kaylee, what would a nice girl like you want for Christmas?" asked Santa as he maneuvered a young girl in his lap.

"I want a Susie doll and a pink bike," answered Kaylee. She twirled a strand of blond curls around her finger as she talked to Santa.

Joe's eyebrow lifted in recognition. He knew Santa! Santa's voice was way too familiar. He walked up to the line. A pretty brunette girl was dressed in an elf costume at the front of the line managing the young kids who were waiting to see Santa.

"Excuse me, but can I see Santa?" asked Joe who tried to conceal a mischievous grin.

"Aren't you a little old to be seeing Santa?" asked the brunette elf. Despite her obvious disdain for her job, she smiled at Joe's big blue eyes. Seeing a handsome man around her age was enough to brighten up her day.

"I suppose but I'll just be a minute," charmed Joe as he flashed his best flirting smile.

"Well, since the line has died down and he's about to go on break, I guess. My name is Jamie by the way," responded the elf who flirted back.

"Thanks Jamie. I'm Joe." Joe shook hands with Jamie. He nodded and she let him pass. As he walked towards Santa, he noticed a familiar look to the man's eyes.

"Hi Santa," said Joe as he waved at the plump man wearing red and white.

"Hello young man. Aren't you a little old to be telling me what you want for Christmas?" asked Santa as he shifted in his plush red throne uncomfortably. Santa clearly was making his voice sound deeper and older than it was normally.

"Well you see Santa I need some advice on what to get my family for Christmas. And I have a few things I would like too," smirked Joe as he realized who Santa was from his voice.

"I guess I can try to help you for a few minutes. I'm about to have my cookies and milk break."

"Okay I will make it quick then," replied Joe as he sat on Santa's right leg and tried hard not to laugh out loud.

Santa grunted and said, "Do you really have to sit on my lap?"

"Everyone else does Santa. It's only fair," Joe responded with mock innocence. He then shifted his body so both legs were on Santa and he was firmly sitting across both legs.

"Okay let's just get on with it. What would you like for Christmas?" asked Santa through gritted teeth as the weight of Joe's muscular six foot frame felt heavier and heavier with every passing minute.

"Well, I would like a new snowboard and gear. I would also like a new paintball gun and goggles," said Joe in his best child imitating voice.

"That sounds good. Merry Christmas!" Santa started to push Joe off his lap.

"No Santa. I'm not done yet," protested Joe.

"Joe, you're crushing my legs," pleaded Santa in his normal voice.

"I didn't tell you my name is Joe," Joe couldn't help but smile mischievously this time.

"I know all the boys and girls," lied Santa as sweat started forming under his fluffy red and white hat.

" Oh. Well, I still need help with my family. You're going to help me right?" asked Joe with big puppy dog eyes. _He's enjoying this a little too much_ thought Santa.

…

Frank was in the jewelry store looking through each glass container for the perfect gift. He bypassed all of the sparkly rings knowing that he and Callie were years away from that. His brown eyes scanned a beautiful necklace with two intertwined hearts filled with small diamonds. He checked the price tag and sighed; a little out of his price range. Just as Frank was going to look at something else, he heard a commotion outside of the store. Frank turned to look at a crowd that was gathering near Santa's Workshop. Curious, he stepped into the walkway and made his way to the front near the snowflake fence. There he saw his 17 year old brother sitting on Santa's lap causing a scene.

…

Santa strained under Joe's weight. "Joe, I would love to help you but we are making a scene." He paused to gesture at the growing crowd near the Santa display. "Also, Jamie is telling me it is time for my milk and cookies."

"There's a pizza from Mr. Pizza in it for you," replied Joe, ignoring the people looking at them. _It's totally worth it,_ thought Joe.

"Fine, but you owe me big time."

"Okay. I knew you couldn't pass up free lunch Chet," laughed Joe unable to keep the joke running any longer.

"Oh man, how did you know it was me?" asked Chet.

"I heard your voice and then I could tell by your eyes. That beard doesn't hide your whole face."

"Well now that you know it's me, can you get up? My legs fell asleep!" Chet stretched his legs out as soon as Joe got up.

"Since you're on break now, how about that pizza buddy?" asked Joe as he extended his hand to help him up.

Chet took his hand and walked towards the exit of Santa's Workshop. The crowd has dissipated satisified there was nothing else to see. A tall brown haired teen waited at the exit with a huge grin on his face.

"Hi Chet. Was Joe giving you a hard time?" asked Frank as he smiled to his friend.

"Yeah you could say that. I played along for awhile but my legs weren't going to make it much longer!"

"So how did you become Santa anyways Chet? Isn't there an age requirement or something?" asked Joe as they walked to the food court.

"Well I normally work at the men's store but a mall manager saw me and asked me if I could fill in today. George, the normal Santa, busted his hip last night or something."

Joe laughed and Frank playfully punched him in the shoulder to scold him. Finally they saw Mr. Pizza and Tony there as well.

"Wow it's not every day I get Santa to eat at my pizza shop," exclaimed Tony as he rang up their usual.

"Yeah it's not every day our man Chet is Santa's little helper. I'm still expecting the snowboard and paintball gear by the way," added Joe as he turned to Santa Chet.

"Ha ha," replied Chet as they all took their favorite booth towards the back of the restaurant.

"How's your shopping going bro?" asked Joe changing the subject.

"I think I found something for Callie but I was distracted. So I will have to finish up after lunch."

"Distracted?" Joe smiled slyly.

"Yeah some doofus was sitting on Santa's lap and causing a scene," deadpanned Frank as he took a sip of his water.

"Yeah what a doofus," agreed Joe. All three boys laughed out loud.

…

Christmas finally came and the Hardy family was gathered around the Christmas tree. Callie was also there sitting next to Frank.

Laura Hardy picked up a present and read it to herself. _To Mom from Frank and Joe._ She opened it up and it was a pizza cutter. "Um thanks boys."

Frank's face lit up and he laughed. Joe looked dumbfounded. _A pizza cutter?_ _Frank is losing his touch, _thought Joe. _I guess I shouldn't have added my name to __that__ present!_

"Mom, here's my real present. I knew Joe was going to add his name to my gift again this year so I hid your real gift." Frank handed her a small square box.

"My favorite perfume. Honey, thank you so much. I can't believe you even remembered I love this one," responded Mrs. Hardy as she hugged her eldest son.

Joe looked at his brother with mock betrayal. "Sorry Mom."

"That's okay Joe. The pizza cutter is nice too," said Laura with a smile and light laugh.

"Here Joe," Frank said as he handed a present to Joe. It said _To Joe, from Santa_.

Joe looked at it puzzled. He tore away the snowflake wrapping paper and found paintball pellets. He looked at Frank questioningly.

"That's to go with my gift," Frank responded as he got up and left the room to return with a large paintball gun with a bow on the handle.

"Nice! Thanks Frank," exclaimed Joe. Joe held the machine in his hands admiring every inch.

"I actually have something for you," Joe said surprising everyone. He left the room. Everyone listened as they heard footsteps upstairs and then the sound of Joe running back down the stairs.

"Your brother sounds more like a herd of cattle," commented Fenton as he adjusted his sitting position in his favorite overstuffed chair.

"Here." Joe said as he returned and handed Frank a small rectangular box. He motioned for Frank to open it.

Frank lifted the lid and looked inside. It was his own Swiss Army knife.

"Joe, you got this from my room," said Frank, frustrated.

"True, but look on the other side."

Frank turned it over and noticed there was an engraving on it that said "The Best Big Brother Ever". Frank smiled and hugged Joe. "Thanks."

"I know it's no paintball gun or anything."

"No it's perfect. Okay, I guess you can add your name to Dad's gift…but not Callie's." Frank laughed.

"All right!" Joe did a little fist punch in the air resulting in several giggles from his family.

"Speaking of which, here is your gift Callie." Frank found the small box from under the tree and gave it to his beautiful blond girlfriend.

She took it with anticipation. Slowly she started to unwrap it but didn't get very far. Joe grabbed it from her and tore the rest off.

"Joseph!" scolded Aunt Gertrude from her place on the couch.

"I couldn't take the suspense!" Joe cried as he handed the box back to her and threw the wrapping paper on the floor.

Callie glared at him but took back the box and opened it. Her eyes lit up and a small pool of tears welled up in her eyes. She put a hand to her mouth and looked up at Frank. "It's beautiful Frank!"

"Let me help you put that on," said Frank as he took the necklace from her gently and put it around her neck. "Looks perfect." He smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

She smiled at the diamond hearts intertwined and immediately regretted the gift she was about to give him. It was definitely not going to live up to the amazing present she got.

"Thank you so much," she whispered into his ear as they embraced.

"Geez Frank you're on a roll this year!" pointed out Joe as he patted Frank on the back.

Frank remained modest as Callie slowly gave her present to him. "It's not much. I wasn't sure what to get…." She started to say. Frank silenced her with a kiss to assure her he would like anything she gave him.

Frank opened up the gift quickly. As he looked at it, he hoped the look of slight disappointment wasn't obvious on his face.

"Joe said it would be funny," Callie said as she watched for Frank's reaction. He just read the title of the book again, How to be a Know It All for Dimwits_._

"Well, they say it's always better to give than to receive, right bro?" chuckled Joe before he was hit with an empty box from Callie's direction.

Without saying anything, Frank tackled Joe and started to wrestle him. Green and red wrapping paper started flying about the room.

Callie shook her head and sighed, "I should have known better."

THE END!

A/N: Have a very Happy Hardy Holiday everyone!


End file.
